Applebee's, Pornography, Weddings and More...

Last night a group of co-workers / friends and I went to Applebee's for dinner. It was tons of fun and I thought we may be kicked out of the restaraunt! I need to do that more often. Afterward, a few of us hung out in the parking lot for almost 45 minutes just bullshitting. I haven't done that since I was in college and it felt good to be around friends. Lately I've been spending way too much time in my house.

While we were there, I received a call from BJ (a dear old friend) who asked me to be a part of his wedding party. Although I may have my doubts about his marriage, I couldn't refuse. We've been in each other's lives for so long now and promised we would always support one another... despite the circumstances. In all honesty, I did like his fiancee when I met her. I just don't think she's the one for him. But it's not my choice to make, I suppose, and it would only serve to hurt him if I said I wouldn't be a part of his big day. Who knows, maybe she'll surprise me...

The other day I sent an email forward with a prayer in it to a bunch of people that I know. One of them happened to be my ex. He sent a response stating that he has asked me before not to send him emails of that sort (religious) and that if I couldn't respect his wishes, perhaps I should remove him from my mailing list. I sent a response saying that for someone who used to consider a life as a priest, I found it hard to believe that I had offended him so much. I only want good things for him & it makes me sad to know that he's turning his back on his faith (which used to be so strong).

His email proved something else to me as well... he HAS been avoiding me. The last time he responded to one of my emails was when he told me not to send religious notes. Since then, he has not responded to anything I've sent. I wasn't sure whether he was ignoring them or if he just wasn't checking his mail anymore. It took me pissing him off to get him to respond.

I'm sad to know that he doesn't want to maintain a friendship with me (something we always promised each other we would do), but it's good to finally know for sure. I just wish he'd be man enough to be upfront and honest instead of making me sit around wondering... I guess I shouldn't expect that much from him. Part of the problem in our marriage, no the biggest problem in our marriage, was his inability to communicate and be open with me. His lack of maturity in that area was something I just couldn't deal with. I guess I don't have to anymore.

Still... it's difficult. I thought he would always be in my life in some form. Being without him is something I still have not gotten used to, even after 3 1/2 years. I beginning to realize that he'll always be with me. No matter how much he hurts me.

through tears, i ask...

will i ever see you again
will i ever hear your voice
feel the comfort of your arms
and tell you that i love you
do you know
have you forgotten
will i ever learn to forgive
myself

conflicted

what is it about you that makes me so insane
why can't i get you out of my head
every day i think of you
though i never see you
we haven't spoken in months
yet still... here you are
with me
in my head
in my heart
i'll never let you go
i'll just pretend...
a hypocrite i've become
i want to be his wife
but i'm still yours
can i ever be true
to myself
would it be fair to utter those words
to him

Infertility

I was actually planning on sitting down to write about my ex-husband, the love of my life, the bane of my existence... But I got distracted and, as a result, far more depressed.

In amidst the random junk email that I was in the process of deleting, I found one with a title that caught my eye. It had something to do with fertility and, since I've been trying to have a baby for a while now, it got my attention.

To make a long story short, I read that infertility, by definition, is the "inability to conceive after 12 months of regular, unprotected intercourse."

By definition... I'm infertile.

My ex-husband and I had been having regular, unprotected intercourse for almost two years before I became pregnant. That pregnancy lasted a whole of two weeks before I miscarried.
Since then, nada.

My current boyfriend and I have been trying for a little over two years to no avail.

The realization is more than I can handle.

Unintended loneliness

My boyfriend's brother and three sisters are over at our house right now. I love them all dearly; however, at times I can't help but feel a little left out. They don't mean to do it, but they'll start speaking Portuguese (their native language) and they'll forget to translate for me, the lone American in the room. I try not to be offended... But it sucks when everyone in the room is laughing at a joke except for you. It's like they have some secret club that I'll never be a part of...