A child's request

While driving in the car last night, Matthew (my boyfriend's 4-year old son) asked me, "Jenni, when are you gonna have kids?" What does one say to something like that? I asked him why he wanted to know and if he wanted a little brother or sister. He simply replied, "yes."

This isn't the first time he's brought up the subject. In fact, it has come up several times before and each time he has been the initiator. For example, a couple of weeks ago I was home alone with Matthew waiting for his father to return. He climed up in my lap, looked me in the face and asked, "Do you have any kids?" Not wanting to discount his role in my life but usure of how to answer (after all, he knows that I am not his mother), I simply stated, "No, not yet." Without hesitation, he replied, "What about me?"

Even farther back than that incident, before we purchased our home, I was sitting with Matthew in the living room of our old apartment when he broached the subject with me for the first time. A diaper commerical came on the TV that showed a baby roaming all around his house and eventually playing with some toys. At that time Matthew said to me, "Maybe someday we can have a house like that and we can have a baby too."

It seems that I need to get on the ball. Somebody wants a playmate!

Dreams of fluency

Okay, so I want to learn Portuguese but the local colleges don't offer it. Do those language CD-ROM things actually work? I don't want to buy one and then be totally frustrated when I don't learn a damned thing...

My boyfriend's family is from Angola and Portuguese is their native language. Lately they don't seem to feel the need to translate for me anymore when the whole family is together. I don't know if they just forget or if they assume that I understand more than I do. Since I've been around for almost 3 years, they seem to think that I'll pick it up by osmosis.

Sorry, but that doesn't seem to be working for me. And I can't help but feel left out at holiday meals.

I studied French all through school and now I'm kicking myself in the ass for not taking Spanish. It would be much more helpful, although I'm beginning to realize that Portuguese is sort-of a combination of the two - French / Spanish. The vocabulary is more similar to Spanish but they have several sounds that are used in French and not in Spanish - get it?

In any case, I've tried learning from them but it frustrates the hell out of me. One day I'll be able to get the gist of a whole converstaion (progress!) and then the next they will speak faster than any human ought to and I can't distinguish a single fucking word! We've talked about taking a trip someday to Angola so that I can meet the extended family but none of them speak English. And I know my boyfriend well enough to know that when he's around his family he will start talking and get so wrapped up that he'll forget to keep me informed of what's being discussed. No, if I want to interact with his family, I'll be on my own.

Don't get me wrong, I want him to enjoy time with his family & I don't think he should be made to feel guilty for speaking his native language. I'd just like to feel included. So I guess I have my work cut out for me.

Apologetic Attempt

I owe you an apology
this much is true
I never should have
doubted you

No longer will I fall victim
to insecurity
There is no time for that
You deserve more faith,
more credit

I am ashamed of myself
my thoughts, my actions
Surprised by how
deeply I can be affected
By how quickly I mistrust
even myself

You are loyal
I am certain
But how do I tell you
I'm sorry?

Desires to trust...

please let me be wrong
i pray i'm not right
keep holding me closely
make love every night

your body to mine
our souls become one
our union grows stronger
cannot be undone

Suspicion

how do i know if i can trust you
how do i make myself believe
faith comes from the heart
suspicion from the head
please let my heart be stronger
please let my heart be right
i have no desires to be your fool
i will be alone if i must
but you know that's not what i want
i am weak right now
but it's only temporary
deep down there is a will
that not even you can break
in my soul there is a belief
that life is good
i refuse to let that go
i will not be made a cynic
not even for you
please let me be wrong...