IM Hell

Instant messaging online is a great invention... But how do you tell someone you care about to shut the fuck up when you're tired of typing?

flow

i'm a fucked up girl
with some fucked up things to say

change my mind about who i love
nearly every day

i've got a live-in mate
treats me right as rain

but my former lover haunts me
torments my brain

what's a girl to do
can't make up her mind

move forward with life
and see what you find

hope that things go your way
that you hurt him no more

that aching inside
i've just got to ignore

feel contentment sink in
and enjoy what i've got

love the man that i'm with
cuz his lovin' is hot!

Baggage, used goods & other misnomers...

Baggage. Why do they call it that when someone has a past that haunts them? Baggage is what you pack your clothes in when going on a trip. Sure, you carry it with you, but people who have "baggage" don't usually want to take it with them. In fact, we're generally trying to get rid of it. So why do we have to give it a name that requires us to bring it along wherever we go? Might as well brand the letter "D" on my forehead.

I am a young divorcee. I married my high school sweetheart just out of college & we were together for almost 9 years. Hell, that's longer than most marriages that don't start out so young. Of course, when you're as young as I was when I got divorced, people like to judge you. They assume that you made a huge mistake when you originally got married- that you didn't know what you were getting into, that you weren't really in love, or that you didn't know what love was to begin with.

Well, I say fuck that. I knew exactly what I was getting into (a huge commitment for which there are no guarantees). I loved my husband with all of my heart and I truly meant "forever" when I said it. To this day, I hold a deeper love for him than anyone else in my life... But sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes when you love someone, you have to walk away. In order to continue loving them...

If my ex-husband and I had stayed together, we would have wound up ruining each other. And although it hurts every day to know that our dream has been crushed, I am grateful to think of him with a smile... Not everyone gets that. Most divorced couples never speak again, or when they do it is with pure spite for one another.

My ex and I speak of the children we'll never have... of a love that still endures... and of the separate lives we'll lead. We turn to one another for comfort when no one else will understand. Call me crazy, but I'd rather maintain this connection than sever it. I'd rather have this person in my life than not.

So the term "used goods" does not apply to me. Baggage is something I pack for a trip, not a burden I carry with me. For the memories that I carry are a blessing... sometimes painful, but well worth the agony...

Everyone has a past... why do we insist on making it a bad thing? Our past is what led to our present; our present what will lead us to our future... Each experience has made me the person that I am today. Each memory- good or bad- has taught me something that I needed to know.

I refuse to be labled by ignorance. By those who don't know me. I'm determined to move on...

Like clockwork

Frustration does not quite cover the feeling of wanting a baby and, for some reaon unknown to anyone, being unable to conceive. I've read many articles & testimonials from other women, all which say that it is quite normal for it to take a long, long time to become pregnant.

Technically speaking, it makes sense. Have you ever read up on ALL the steps & processes that must be in place for a sperm to reach an egg? It's a wonder anyone EVER gets pregnant. The timing must be PERFECT!

Still... it's hard to believe when so many people around me are getting pregnant by "accident." Truly makes me believe that every life is precious and every baby conceived deserves to be born. Makes me hate people who have abortions.

Though my boyfriend and I have been trying for quite some time now, my period still comes every month. It's more depressing than I can tell you. Nonetheless, I am trying to count my blessings. Some people weren't blessed with regular periods. And mine are as regular as they get. Literally... I can count the days on a calendar and tell exactly what day I'll get my next period. Lo and behold, like clockwork, there it is on the exact day predicted.

What this tells me is that my reproductive system is healthy and there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to have a child some day. And my boyfriend already has a child from his first marriage, so we know his stuff works... It's just a matter of time, I guess.

And patience. Lots and lots of patience!

Pilfered Poerty

I stole the following from somewhere so I don't claim credit... I just liked it.

When We Risk it All
by Jessy

We can't blame others when love dwindles away-
For we knew from the start it never promised to stay.

It's just one of those things where the stakes are high-
And sometimes it's forever, and sometimes it's good-bye.

When you love the right way, you will never lose-
No matter what path life may force you to choose.

You may end up with tears or a broken heart-
But you knew what you signed up for from the start.

You can only give what you've got to give-
And if that's not enough, then you must continue to live.

Life will go on and broken hearts will heal-
You must continue on your quest, for that's the deal.

Throw your heart into life and never stall-
For the greatest risk is to risk nothing at all.

You see, love is the only thing that we know-
That can be divided and divided but continue to grow.

And life isn't long enough to lock away our heart-
Just because life may have forced two people apart.

We will continue to love and continue to lose-
We will continue to pick and continue to choose.

And then one day we will just risk it all-
Take the chains off our hearts and dismantle the wall.

The last time we love will be the forever-
And never again will our hearts be forced to sever.

We'll never have doubts that it'll go away-
Because this time, it'll be here to stay.

But until then we must endure all the pain-
For we only see sunshine if we can wait through the rain.

Deep Breath

Conversing with a lost love is a gift and a curse... I don't want him anymore, but my heart won't let go. He still brings me to tears as I try to reach out to him only to be ignored. One moment, I see a tenderness that I haven't seen in years. The next, it's like I'm talking with his ghost.

What must I do to be rid of this plague that haunts my soul? This beautiful disaster of a man? A relationship so deep, yet residing on the surface...

What am I waiting for?

My current relationship couldn't be better. I'm with a man who would marry me tomorrow if I'd have him... but still my past follows me. It's so unfair to him.

Even now, as I type these words, I'm thinking of Danial. My soul embraced his long ago and refuses to let go. Despite my concerted efforts.

He's trying to move on & acting like he can. But every so often he hints at the love he still holds for me... A true love that will never die.

One day I must move on. Completely. Perhaps the only way to get into the water is by closing your eyes and jumping off the rock. *deep breath* Here goes nothin'.

Soap operas- man style

After watching my boyfriend play soccer this evening, we invited a few of his teammates over to the house to hang out. This sounded like a good idea... I get along with all of them & thought it would be cool to have some company.

Until Dragonball Z came into the converstaion.

They have spent the last 45 minutes discussing characters, episodes, story lines, etc. And there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

It's like old women and their soap opera gossip. Throw in a little anime and some fantastical storyline and you can't go wrong.

Hallmark- I thought they had a card for everything...

...until I went looking for a Valentine's Day card for my friend whose husband is currently serving in Iraq. They just don't have a card that says, "gee, I'm sorry your husband's fighting in a stupid-ass war, but I'm sure he really loves ya!"

They should do something about that.

I've always relied on Hallmark to come up with something when I just couldn't find the right words for a situation. They have never let me down until now.

Those people who own my house

Londlords. Why do they think that just because they "own" the property you live in, they can come in whenever they want? And even when they do call first, it's always akward. It's like, "Hi, I don't know you. In fact, from what I do know about you, I don't even like you very much. But hey, come on in and snoop around. Do whatever you'd like... After all, it _is_ your house."

Fuck that. I live here not them.

And why do we always feel the need to "tidy up" beforehand? I mean, I pay these assholes for the privelege of having a roof over my head. It's not like they could tell me to go clean my room or anything. They're not my fucking parents.

So why do I give a shit if they think I'm a slob? As long as I'm not so disgusting that I'm attracting insects which will infect the neighbors attached to me, they can't say a damned thing... It just clothes laying around.

I can't believe I care so much about what these people think of me when I've only seen them a total of 4 times in the year and a half that I've lived here. What's wrong with me?

I think I just feel violated and judged whenever they're here. And I hate that. Even more, I hate the fact that these particular landlords think it's okay to come by while I'm at work without calling first...and then not even tell me that they were here.

What if my boyfriend and I had wild sex on the living room floor last night and left our clothes, that we ripped off one another, in the exact spot where they fell? Then, we passed out from exhaustion & the next morning didn't have time to clean up before going to work. What if the landlord chose THAT day to come over unannounced and sees my juice-stained underware lying on the floor? I'd be mortified.

Fuck them. I need to buy my own house.

Sex anyone?

So I woke up this morning & checked my voicemail expecting a message from my friend Michelle. Instead, I have a message from my ex-husband insisting that I come out to a bar and hang with he & his friends last night. Persuading me, in fact, to do so.

What the fuck is that all about?!?

Did he get drunk and decide it would be funny? Did he really want to see me? Either way, it's weird.

Just a few weeks ago we were text messaging each other and he practically offered himself up to me for random booty calls. No, not practically. He DID offer me sex!

Am I that good? Is he that desperate? Who the hell knows.

I declined the offer.

A boring realization

As I sifted through the pages of other people's blogs today I came to find myself exceptionally boring. Some people have extraordinary & exciting lives (or else, they're really good liars). Others have witty commentaries on life in general or the world around them. Personally, I don't think I can be that smart AND funny at the same time.

Honestly. I'm impressed.

Either these people have no real responsibilty that keeps them busy or they spend way too much time finessing their words to make themselves sound better. In either case, I find them amusing.

I just don't think I'll be that entertaining. Not to say that I'm not capable of coming up with something funny now and again... But in general, I'm pretty average. To tell the truth, I'm a little depressed about it.

Perhaps now that I've started this blog I'll tap into the creativity that I know is lurking somewhere in my subconscious... God, let's hope so anyway!

So I created a blog...

Now what?